A "Cawd" Awful Sermon by Billy Johnson

This week, I visited the First Pentecostal Church of Denham Springs. Again. The pastor of this church and I have a little bit of a rapport, and I've never met anyone who reminded me so much of Estus Pirkle. But this Sunday his son, Billy, was preaching. And it was by far one of the strangest sermons I have ever heard. In fact, I can't say I even understood it, and I doubt anyone else there understood it either. Also, the speaker had the habit of saying "Cawd" instead of "God." And after having seen this episode of To Catch a Predator:

I had trouble keeping a straight face. It doesn't help that I've also consumed dozens of memes about the "church of Cawd"...

My apologies to anybody who may have been offended by the raspberry noises coming from my direction.

I have written a transcript of the sermon below. My comments, as always, will be in pink. I was a few moments late for church, so I missed the reading of the pillar verse, (Job 26:7), and the first few opening comments. Sorry for the fragmentation.

                                                                          ~

...predetermines our response and interpretation of the situation that surrounds us. This service, you might have spent a lifetime here, or this may be your first time walking through that door. But you come with a prefixed idea. A lot of times those things will harm us and distract us, and keep us from everything that God has for our lives. Job chapter 26 is kind of a different passage, especially verse 7. And, it is the end of an argument between two friends. In chapter 25, Bildad who is a friend of Job, basically ends his argument by saying God is great, praise him God is great, and he does what God does. In other words, whatever God does is what he does, and he kind of backs away from the table, so to speak. He backs away from that. But Job comes back with chapter 26, and he gives 14 verses. Not only does he go beyond the 6 verses that Bildad tries to use, but he goes 6 more verses on. But there's one verse in the middle, there's a 14th verse: and he simply says that I’m in the middle of this thing, from the very beginning I've been a part of this thing, I know what is going on in my life, I'm the one with the struggle, and therefore he seeks and praises God for the first 6 verses, but the 7th verse he said, "And God stretches the North over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing."

Ok. Let's be sure we're on track here. So far, we have Job praising God 6 more verses than his friend, Bildad, and this praise takes up the first 6 verses. This is correct. Then, he says, that in the 14th verse, Job says that he is "a part of this thing, in the middle of this thing, struggling, etc. Here is verse 14 of Job 26:

               "Lo, these are parts of his ways, but how little a portion is heard of him? But the thunder of his power who can understand?"

Clearly a verse that sums up his sentiments about the power and majesty of God, not one where Job is saying he's a part of anything, much less complaining about anything. I mean, it's obvious to me that you had a preexisting wish to preach about God being in control through the struggle. But this is the strangest passage to choose to back up that thesis. The two ideas just don't connect. And the attempt to connect them is very lazily and sloppily done.

You see, Job realized that God is stretching me, and that God does not get hung up. And if God can stretch me then I must be stretched, and God cannot get hung up, and I cannot get hung up. I can't find myself locked into a mindset where I cannot allow God to work in my life. And I cannot allow God to do something powerful in my life. So therefore, I'm going to praise God, I’m going to testify through my struggle, and say that God stretches the north over the empty place, he stretches is, and he gets hung up on nothing.

And there it is. That's his thesis. Let me post the preceding and following verses, so you can get the context for verse 7:

Hell is naked before Him, and destruction hath no covering.
He stretches out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing.  He bindeth up the waters in his thick clouds, and the cloud is not rent under them.

This verse is clearly Job pondering and acknowledging the power and majesty of God, as evidenced by his creation. How hell is naked before him, how the Earth is suspended in the air, and how the clouds are able to hold water. This verse is not stipulating that either God, or mankind, gets 'hung up' over anything. If you're searching for examples in the Old Testament of God or man overcoming obstacles, might I suggest the story of Gideon, who triumphed over his enemies despite his army being severely outnumbered? Or Elijah and the Widow, who thanks to God survived a famine while everyone around them starved? Or the children of Israel in the Wilderness who--wait, no, they got pretty hung up there. All I'm saying is there are a lot better examples in the Old Testament of the point you are trying to make.

 

0/10 recommend listening to Moses.

Job realizes that "I cannot speak foolish." He proclaims that in chapter 2, when his wife says, "Job just curse God and die", he says no, you speak foolishly. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to go beyond, and seek the things of God, with faith and with power in my life. I wish this morning that something would grip us, and we would realize that God's in this place, and he’s rich with mercy and with grace. He's rich with all the riches of heaven. With all the glories of heaven. And somehow if I could just tap into that thing, if I could just squeeze my way past the world that I live in, and tap into the world of God, and the economy of God, I wonder what would happen in this room this morning.

Ah yes. Just tap into the 'economy of God.' This is classic preacher clickbait. He makes it seem like, God just has all this money and riches, and you can have them too if you just tap into it. With no explanation of how to do this, of course. Just have faith, I suppose.

 

God, when you try to tap into his economy.

And, see what I mean, when I say that Job is the wrong story for the point you are trying to make? All Job said in response to his wife, was "I will not curse God." He said nothing about how rich God is and how to "tap into his economy." For one thing, Job was rich. He lost everything, true, but I think riches would be the last thing on his mind. The first thing should have been the ten sons and daughters that he lost in a freak accident. (I've always thought of Job as rather a narcissist, because nowhere in the story does he express grief over the loss of his children, nor does he attempt to console his understandably distraught wife. Of course, God is the ultimate narcissist in this story, as he clearly couldn't give less of a shit about the rest of the people who were harmed or killed to prove his little point there.)

You see we live, we're going through struggles. Everybody in this room is going through struggles. It doesn't matter how you look, how you might have dressed yourself up. We live in a real world, that's full of struggles. I'll say from the pulpit that I have struggles. I have fights. I have things that I have to press through in the spirit. But somehow, we live in this protected world. We live in a time of helmets.

Ok millennials, I think we all know where this is going...

We live in a world with the protection of helmets and walls, and we try to remove everything that will harm us. And what we're doing is creating people who cannot face things. We got a few high school and, college and career age. I'm not trying to pick on anybody, but I see something of that generation, where they can't face things and they live in this world that has been protected, and that is not the real world. And there it is. And, we find ourselves in this world that we feel is full of protection, and then when it goes wrong, we start speaking foolishly. I want to recall the words of Job which say, 'I cannot speak foolish.' In fact, I cannot get hung up on certain things. I've got to realize that God is going to stretch things out. And when God is stretching things out, he's stretching me also, and God might put me in a place or a situation, where I must be stretched. But I must look up to heaven, and say God you’re in control, you know what you're doing, I'm going to allow you to stretch me God, I'm going to allow you to stretch me over the empty spot, and I realize God that you're not going to get hung up, and I'm not going to get hung up. Look at someone this morning, and say "let God stretch you. Don't get hung up on what God is trying to do in your life."

It's not that I don't understand the point you are trying to make. I have heard this message preached before, much more competently. By a preacher who had respect for his profession, and for the intelligence of his listeners. In that sermon, he used the much more apt passage in Jeremiah, where God is described as the potter.

Verse 4 of this passage is careful to point out, that "the clay was marred in the hands of the potter, so he made it into another vessel, as seemed good to the potter to make it."

We, as the clay, are often marred, or messed up, in the hands of the Potter. But he, being flexible, salvages us, and molds us into another vessel. As the clay, we may find this experience painful and confusing, but the end result is a beautiful vessel.

This sermon, at this point, is just an unmitigated mess. You continually abandon your point in the interest of going off on tangents, like about how much you disdain millennials.

I would like to point out once more, that Job was praising the power of God, which placed the earth into space, hanging on nothing. This 'nothing,' refers to space. And yes, as a devout stone age peasant, this concept is quite impressive to Job. The concept of micro gravity, which actually holds the earth in place, was not understood until centuries later.

I recommended writing your sermons down, and reading them back to yourself to see if they make sense. Perhaps this critique will help.

We must understand that God wants to do a work in our life. He is in the saving business. These miracles, he said I do for you, but I'm in the saving business. I come to seek and to save that which is lost. We must realize, he's seeking to save you. We haven't made it yet. We have salvation working inside of us, so therefore God is going to make sure that salvation is working in you, because he's in the saving business. And I've got to realize, that God wants to do a work in my life, so let him stretch me. Let me see that he's not going to get distracted. He's not going to get hung up. He's not going to have a mindset to get me off track. But his focus is me, and his focus is you this morning, and he wants to do something special inside of your being. He wants something to happen in your mind, in your spirit, in your body. Stretch us today oh God. Stretch the church today oh God. Don't let us get hung up oh God, for you get hung up on nothing, you hang the world upon nothing.

In the beginning, we see the world without form and void. And God moved on no form. And God moved upon emptiness. And things began to happen, through the creative power of God. What had no form took on form, and what was empty became filled. Everything in this world takes on form. From the beginning, when God took his creative word and it went forth, from that moment, form became, and this world has no choice but to take on form. This world was filled. This world was being filled with something. It must have form, and it must be filled with something. I like to say that, because we live in a world that's trying to erode and destroy God, every moment of this earth. They try to destroy everything of God, and somehow, if they can put in my mind that God is some form of imagination, and that he does not exist, then they take away from me, the form, and being filled. And my form would take on the form of this world, and I would be filled with the things of this world. But I'm here to testify, that God forms things, and God fills things. God simply changes things. And if he must stretch you, then he's in the process of forming you. And he's not going to get hung up, and you will be prosperous.

Oh boy. Where do I start with this one? Let's start with your second pillar verse. In the beginning, God filled space, which was empty, or void, with the earth. Because, according to you, space must be filled with something. Okay. Then you compare this to your own life, which you say must also be filled by God, with something. And, as you go on to say, CAWD FORBID your life be filled with 'the things of this world.' Because the world is trying to erode and destroy the things of God. Right.

The things of this world are negatively contrasted to the things of God, without an example of what these things mean. You shouldn't assume that everyone in your audience knows what you mean, even when you make broad, overreaching statements. You should still clarify what you're trying to say, especially if it's a main point. What are the things of God? Prayer, presumably would be one. Alright, so how should we pray? How can we find things to say on a daily basis, without it becoming chanting, or looking like a crazy person talking to themselves? How much prayer is enough? On the other hand, what are the things of this world? Well, that's pretty much everything except prayer, isn't it. Or is it? I don't know, you don't tell me.

Also, this is another verse that is very inappropriate for the point you are trying to make. Seriously, it's like you wanted to make a point about being filled, so you just looked up filled in the concordance and just picked the first verse you saw. 

(During this point in the sermon my recorder cut off, so I missed a bit here, my apologies.)

I'm not going to let my emotions get me down, I'm not going to feel like I'm having a heart attack, But I'm going to look up toward heaven, and say God you're stretching me, you're doing a work. I'm not going to be filled by the pressures of this world, or the spirit of this world, but I'm going to look up toward heaven, like Job, and say God stretches the North over the empty place, and hangs up the earth upon nothing. I feel the Holy Ghost in this room. I'm speaking in the Holy Ghost to someone. It's time for somebody to realize, that God is doing a work in your life. Don’t get hung up, because he hangs the earth upon nothing!

What is God, trying to shape in you? You say, I've been having hang ups, but you've got to realize, it's not just your job putting pressure on you. Maybe there's family problems but, maybe God's trying to stretch you. To get you to pray for your children, or your marriage. You say, "the job's weighing heavy on me," well, maybe God's trying to stir you up. Trying to tell you you're investing your energy in the wrong place. And when you get formed by something that says, you’ve got to have this, and this kind of bank account, and this kind of car, filling you with nonsense. But God's trying to form you this morning. Maybe you couldn't sleep at 2 am this morning, maybe that's God trying to talk to you, to get you to pray a little bit, and forget about getting ahead. Because the world's trying to form you some way, but I'm going to stand here in your presence o God, I'm going to win some things back, because you're trying to stretch me.

This is point slightly from the original point. In this passage, you're saying that God is deliberately using the trials and pressures of this world, to bring you to your knees, to make you a stronger person spiritually. The only way I can glean this from this mess of a passage, is because again, I've heard it preached before, only more competently. Again, by someone who had respect for the intelligence of his audience. In that sermon, the verse used was Matthew 21:44, which says, "And whosoever shall fall on this stone shall be broken: but on whomsoever it shall fall, it will grind him to powder." In other words, it's better to crush yourself on the rock, and submit to God, then to have him crush you to pieces with the rock, to bring you to submission. Admittedly not a very kind god either way, but what do you expect from someone who wakes you up at 2am to talk.

There is an empty spot. There is a void that will be filled. But you must remember that God fills, and he hangeth up on nothing. Job, some feel that Job was immune, because of the time that he lived in, or the vocation that he lived in. Some feel that Job had no relationship, or we cannot relate to Job in any way. Once again those are lies that the world has placed upon us. Making us feel like, we are the fakers. We have the knowledge, we have the know. And that Job's world had no clue of the world that it was living in. But I'm here to set the record straight that, 700 years before Jesus was born, Isaiah said that, "it is ye God, that sits upon the circle of the earth." That doesn't sound like a flat earth mentality to me. He knew that the earth was round. He knew that is was a circle. They understood that. They knew about the world they lived in.

Isaiah 9:9 says, "which maketh Arcturus, Orion, and Pleiades, and the chambers of the south." Those are celestial bodies. They represent every part of the earth of the sky. Orion represents the seasonal change that you can see in every part of the earth. In the North, you can see it in the winter time. In the South, you can see it in the summer time. Pleiades is one that you can see no matter where you live, or what continent you live on, you can see it. That lets me know that Job was aware of his world that he lived in.

And here we are. With that smug, creationist logic and science that the Apostolic church loves to promote. First, I'd like to point out, saying that Job knew that the earth was round, because Isaiah said circle, doesn't mean anything. First, Isaiah was born hundreds of years after Job was dead. Isaiah operated in c. 791–739 BC. Job was probably born some time before Moses, during the patriarchal period, c. 2091 B.C. to 1876 B.C. So, not a great job with your research over there.

Also, you know circles can be flat, right?

Secondly, you also have to realize that the Hebrews were not the fount of knowledge of science or technology at any point during their history. Hebrews were nomads during the time of Job. It is likely that all their knowledge of astrology was gleaned from the far more prosperous and educated societies around them, such as Egypt and Mesopotamia. 

He wasn't locked in some ancient time or by mental capacity. He wasn't locked in some place that you could not feel, or know about to day. But he spoke about filling the heavens, and I see these things. he says, no matter where you are, God can speak to you. I'm talking to you this morning and I want you to realize, we know what's happening around the world. You watch or listen to the news, you know what's going on. I want you to look in the spirit today, and I want you to see what's happening in your world this morning. On this Sunday morning, here in this building, what all is taking place in your world. God has it all under control, I can tell you that. He holds the world in his hands. And like Job, I can look up, and it doesn't matter where you are, there is a constellation, there's something you can look up at, and claim the glory of God. Look up through your struggle, and what's going on around you. Look up through your world, and say God stretches the North over the empty place, and he hangeth the world upon nothing. If he can do that for Job, he can do that for me. I want to be stretched with the Holy Ghost. I want to be stretched with the presence of God. I will not get hung up.

You probably should have started your sermon with this. Because you almost had a coherent, worthwhile point suitable to the story of Job right here:

 "And like Job, I can look up, and it doesn't matter where you are, there is a constellation, there's something you can look up at, and claim the glory of God."

This is a good point. I can understand feeling overwhelmed by what is going on around you, and being comforted by the notion of being protected by an all-powerful God. Whether it is better to come to terms with the certainty of death, and the injustices of life, instead of relying on the fleeting and false comfort of the support an invisible and uncontactable Deity, is another question. Remember how you said that millennials were overprotected from reality, and unable to face real world issues? Yeah. Relying on theism for protection and comfort is kind of like that.

So, you almost had something there. As for the rest of the passage, it's useless and doesn't make any sense.

In this northern hemisphere that we live in, there's more land mass, there's more humanity, there's more stars, there's more day. You see the earth is those things that we just have to deal with. People fail those that can affect you, and determine how you are filled. Stars have always directed men, and somehow stars are there somehow trying to direct your path, and lead you, and guide you. Day is that of time that can get you off track. The magnetic pull is those things that tug upon you. That is the world that Job stood in, and that is the world that I stand in today. In this place where's there more earth, things that I have to deal with every day. The things of this world, the things of the god of this world, that I have to deal with. That I have to come in contact with. More people that I have to bump shoulders with. That effect my view of the things of God. there's more things out there than stars, that are trying to lead me away from the things of God. There's more day that's pulling at me, trying to get me off track. There's the magnetic pull, my life here and there. And these things are happening to us. But I must proclaim and testify with Job, it is God that stretches the North over the empty place, and hangeth the world upon nothing. Look at somebody and say, "you're in the presence of God."

Did I miss something? It's like you're trying to merge a severely underdeveloped new sermon with this one. How do you expect your congregation to be able to follow this?

I can't get hung up. I can't let something rob me of what God is wanting to do in my life. John 9:1-2 says,

"And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man which was blind from his birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?"

A question, with two alternatives. Two alternatives that try to put in focus the calamities upon this individual. Questions, hang ups, things trying to form their opinion. If you don’t believe that we live in a world of questions, just go into your local coffee shop. And let them ask the person in front of you, "what do they want." It will blow your mind. Questions that somehow form even a coffee. I read an article a while back, that says we are becoming paralyzed by questions, and too many choices are making us unhappy. Too many choices are exhausting us. And I’m watching people battle with choices. I’m watching young people battle with the choice, "what direction should I go?" I asked a question of my professor, or I asked a question of my friends, and I asked a question on social media. And I find myself exhausted with the question. I come in with choice overload, and I cannot make important decisions in my life. The same carries over to your spirituality. We become paralyzed. Should I reach out? Should I praise God for a few moments? Let me look around, let me see what someone else is doing this morning." It's making me unhappy. I can't make important decisions in my life. It's exhausting me. But I'm here to tell you this morning, that God wants to stretch you. He doesn't want you to get hung up.

Hmm. The question in John chapter 9 is indeed a logical fallacy, called a false dilemma. Congratulations on spotting that. Points removed for not explaining the false dilemma, though.

As for the rest of your point, sure. Too many options and choices can indeed lead to stress. But you never elaborate on the solution to this problem. Are you saying that questions are all just distractions, or "hang ups," as you say? Surely not. If you're going to bring up and elaborate on such a big problem, a problem that you see around you every day, how about some stress management tips for your audience, instead of vague platitudes?

Who sinned, who messed up? We're trying to fit all this in, we're trying to put all the pieces together, and plug everything in. I have to have all the information in front of me, I have to actually know what's going on. Folks that will paralyze you. It will get out all trapped up. It will become a hang up. When God wants you to just step out in faith, and just forget the questions for the moment. I might be able to explain it, or tell you about it, but I'm here to tell you that God is stretching you, and moving you, and he doesn't want you to get hung up, but to move forward. I'm talking in the Holy Ghost to someone this morning.

I don't recall either Yahweh or Jesus being opposed to questions. Jesus was quite willing to answer the question in John 9, as well as any others that were asked honestly. Yahweh, in the Old Testament was a lot heavier handed, sure. But I doubt even he objected to the simple act of asking questions. Did it ever occur to you, that the answers to the questions you ask, might be the solution to your problems? To use your coffee analogy, the reason I like my coffee a certain way, is because I know what I need. Usually something sweet that will keep me awake. With caramel. If you want just a simple cup of coffee, that's the solution for your situation, isn't it? You walk away happy, and so do I.

But if you like yours like this, I don't consider you human.

Questions are important. They shouldn't be ignored, or glossed over, in the interest of eliminating stress. Sure, dwelling on things you can do nothing about, or overthinking, can cause stress in your life. Those should be avoided. But knowledge is power. And do you know where knowledge comes from? Asking questions!

The Bible tells us in verses 3-4,

Jesus answered, "Neither hath this man sinned, nor his parents: but that the works of God should be made manifest in him. I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work."

 Nobody sinned. It happened so we could see the glory of God revealed in him.

He said I must work while it is day. Because the night cometh, when no man can work. I you don't hear a statement that I say all morning, I want you to hear this one; don't get hung up on what is causing the darkness around you. Don't get hung up on your questions, and wondering why and trying to figure it all out. He said, that doesn't matter, I'm trying to show you the glory of God. Let me come back to my text, he stretches the North over the empty place. He stretches you, because he wants you to see the glory of God in your life. Don’t get hung up on the darkness around you, or what’s causing the darkness around you.

Yeah. The other logical fallacy here is Jesus' strawman argument. If "nobody sinned," in this man's life, he's saying he was blind from birth, just so he could be healed, to show everyone the "glory of God?" was that really necessary? But the real problem with that answer, is it raises another question: what about all the blind people who would never be healed? Did one of their parents sin? And here we are back at square one.

-1 for Jesus.

And, behold, they brought to him a man sick of the palsy, lying on a bed: and Jesus seeing their faith said unto the sick of the palsy; "Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee."
And, behold, certain of the scribes said within themselves, "This man blasphemeth."And Jesus knowing their thoughts said, "Wherefore think ye evil in your hearts?For whether is easier, to say, thy sins be forgiven thee; or to say, Arise, and walk?"(Matthew 9:2-5, KJV)

Everybody in this room is here because you want to be saved. (Almost everyone.)

Because you believe in God, and you know one day you'll stand before him. So therefore, you're in this room this morning, because you want to be saved. Everybody in this room, got out of bed and dressed, believing in the saving power that is in this place. You believe it. If you didn’t believe that, you wouldn't be here. You believe in the saving power of God. You believe in how God can change a life. A life so far removed from God as a sinner, and bring you to the grace and mercy of God. We believe in that. But yet, we have a hang up when it comes time for me to believe that God is going to heal me. I just felt a healing for forth. Somebody just grabbed a hold of this, I felt it in the holy ghost. 

Excuse me, I'm going to need some proof of this. I never saw any confirmation of this whatsoever. I mean, I know it's malarkey, but you could at least have a plant stand up and testify that their back was just healed or something. Come on.

When somebody says, you can be healed, and you can be set free. Somebody needs to realize this morning, that I cannot be hung up. You have to realize, "I need a healing in my life." Jesus said, is it easier to say, "thy sins be forgiven thee, or to say, arise and walk?" You got to stand up, you got to realize, that God's power is for a healing in my body. I'm not going to miss my healing. I will be set free, I will have a miracle. There's somebody with a pain your body. I speak it in Jesus name. Pain, go in Jesus name. I'm not going to get hung up this morning on somebody’s doubt. Somebody got a healing a few seconds ago, I felt it in the Holy Ghost. I believe that God stretches the North over the empty place, and will not get hung up. I'm not going to let my faith get hung up. My faith shall go forth!
                                    ~

You're really going to throw around claims that someone was just healed, without any confirmation besides some tingling you got? This is one of the reasons Apostolic preachers need more checks and balances. Really, this whole mess of a sermon is an example of why Apostolic preachers need more checks and balances. You're right about one thing. People in your congregation have real problems. Real health, family, and money problems. They shouldn't have to be subjected to nonsense from the pulpit, and invisible, unconfirmed healings.

This was effectively the end of the sermon. I have to say, I'm not impressed. Maybe spend more time developing your point, and researching the Bible verses you plan to use. And have a little more respect for your audience. And please stop trying to swindle people with fake healings, because we both know you can't back it up.

                           Hoping you do better next time,